I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
