I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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