U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
there is glitter all over my balls
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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