i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
