i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just invented taco cereal.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
