He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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