even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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