I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
