Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
