I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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