I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So many bounce houses so little time
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
