Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
