Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
