I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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