I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
