I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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