remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
