yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
