I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
