My nipple is on Facebook.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
