I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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