the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
