Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
