Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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