dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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