I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
that's an acceptable place to lick
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
