my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
