I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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