Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
