Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just pee around me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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