just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
