do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
