There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
