a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
