we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
