i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
