i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
