That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
