Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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