fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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