I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
