Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
