I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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