I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
