Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
