his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i need some magic done to my vagina
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
