My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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