A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I feel like abortions should bother me more
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
