i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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