proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
