Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
