Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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